Misfiring on all cylinders.

All righty, let it be known that I do like a good assassination. That's actually come out a bit wrong, What I meant to say was — oh, what the hell, I just like a good assassination okay? Better still, who doesn't like a bad assassination, eh? No-one, that's who. So, for your delectation, here are some pretty good bad ones.

On Aug 22nd 1962, conspirators of an organisation who were cheesed off at President Charles de Gaulle for giving up control of Algeria fired 140 bullets at his Citroen DS as he was traveling to Orly airport. Not one single bullet found its mark. Not one! De Gaulle said he simply ducked.

On a cold, snowy night in January 1757, Robert Francois Damiens, attempted to stab Louis XV of France to death. Unfortunately for Damiens, his weapon of choice was a small pen-knife which barely penetrated the layers of clothing Louis was wearing to keep out the cold. However, Louis, ever the drama-queen, thought he was dying and immediately confessed to his Queen that he'd had more mistresses than Tiger Woods could ever dream of. Of course, Louis survived. Awkward!

One would imagine that getting shot would spoil your day's plans. Not so if your Theodore Roosevelt. On Oct 14th 1912, Teddy was shot by saloon owner, John Shrank. The bullet lodged in the President's chest, but did he rush himself off to ER to get sorted. Did he hell! He went on to deliver a 90 minute speech, opening with the line, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't know whether you fully understand, but I have just been shot."

Jan 30th 1835 was not a day blessed with good luck for poor-old Richard Lawrence. Hapless Dick took a pot-shot at the then president Andrew Jackson, but his gun misfired. However, Dick, being the good boy scout, had come prepared for such an event and had packed a back-up pistol. He undoubtedly cursed the stars when that one misfired as well. Jackson, obviously a bit irritated at having guns pointed at him, advanced on Lawrence and practically beat him to death with his cane.

The 30th March 1981 saw Ronald Reagan survive 6 bullets fired at him from close range by basket-case John Hinkley Jr. None of the bullets hit Reagan directly, but one did ricochet of the Presidential limousine and entered his chest, puncturing his lung. Hinkley's ever so sane reasoning for the shooting was that he had become obsessed with the actress Jodie Foster and was disgruntled because she hadn't replied to any of his love-letters or poems he'd sent her. What better way to get her attention, so he mused, than to shoot the president. Hinkley was subsequently found not guilty of attempted murder on the grounds of insanity. Duh!

In retaliation for an attack on a market by Palestinian suicide bombers, Israeli PM, Benjamin Netanyahu, ordered two Mossad agents to assassinate the chief of the Palestinian political party, Hamas, a certain Khaled Mashal. On 25th Sept 1997, the two agents waited for Mashal outside the offices of Hamas, and, as Mashal was entering, one of the agents injected levofentanyl into Mashal's left ear. The two agents were chased by security guards and duly apprehended. With the intervention of President Bill Clinton, Netanyahu was forced to send an antidote and Mashal survived.

Fidel Castro was the ultimate assassination dodger if certain accounts are to be believed. The CIA alone developed hundreds of plans to dispose of the Cuban leader. Because of Castro's love of SCUBA diving, one of the more out-there plans included planting explosives in mollusc shells around the area where he was known to dive. Other plans included poisonous pens, exploding cigars, and bacteria in his coffee. Castro survived them all.

There are many reasons why an assassination may go wrong, including being too short. So was the fate of 5-foot tall Giusseppe Zangora, as he attempted to shoot F.D.Roosevelt. As Roosevelt gave a speech in Miami on 15th Feb 1933, Zangora had to stand on a folding chair so he could get a clear view of the president. After he'd fired one shot, which missed, the chair collapsed and the crowd set upon him. Zangora fired off four more shots, none of which found their intended target.

In total, there were 42 known assassination attempts on German dictator, Adolf Hitler. Perhaps the most known, and the closest to success, was that of Claus von Stauffenberg and his chums. A briefcase packed with explosives was placed next to Hitler at a meeting. Fortunately, for Hitler, the briefcase got unwittingly moved, and, on detonation, killed four of the attendees, none of whom were called Adolf. In fact, the only damage to Hitler was that of a perforated ear-drum.

If you'd rather read about a successful assassination (or two) why not give How Hard is it to Kill a go? You'll find it in the store on this website. Much love and peace.